Things I've Learned Getting Older
Not fond of this picture, as I look old. But hey, that’s the point…
I’m old. How old? I remember watching the Apollo 11 moon landing, the whole Watergate controversy, the fall of Saigon, and for more nerdy things I remember punch cards, the CDA, the Clipper chip, dialup, and pre-web Internet. As a result of both my age and the fact that I try to embrace change, I’ve managed to learn a few things (tech and non-tech), so I thought I’d pass on just a few of them in the hope they will help you.
Access to Knowledge Doesn’t Make Us Smarter
Humans have smart, average, and dumb people within the ranks. They always have. Many early Internet folk thought that making the Internet and the entirety of human knowledge available to everyone on the planet would more or less “raise the bar” for humanity. Now I’m not saying it made everyone dumber (despite plenty of compelling examples and arguments), but on average I’d say we’re the same as before.
Access to the Internet did not give those that cannot reason out fact from fiction some magical ability to be able to just “see things logically”. The only thing it did was give everyone access to any information - correct or incorrect - via a device in our pocket. As one comedian put it, there was a time when if we didn’t know where Tom Petty was from, we’d just not know it. For possibly years. But now if I am wondering “What was Tom Petty’s hometown?” I can learn what it is instantly from my phone. Does this “raise the bar”? Am I exaggerating? Think I’m wrong? Look at your Internet search history, it probably has a few gems for all of humanity .
“Let’s see, I recently searched for ‘toilet anus recognition’ and ‘make and ignite thermite.’ Perfectly normal.”
I will state that the Internet does give the not-as-smart the feeling that they are in fact smart, when in reality they are just good at entering a term in Google and clicking on the first thing that pops up, regardless of accuracy. By the way the not-as-smart call this “research”.
Simple Things Do Become Easier
Here are some quick examples of advanced skills I’ve picked up.
I can pour the exact amount of water needed into instant oatmeal, the first time, every time. None of this a bit, stir, a bit more, stir, a bit more, shit too runny add another packet bullshit.
In a blind test I can determine which vodka is the most and least expensive by taste alone. I’ve won bets from bartenders where I got my vodka shots for free as a result - more than once. I don’t really drink that much anymore, but I bet you shots I can still do it.
I’ve learned vi is better, and anyone who thinks otherwise can suck it. Okay, I really didn’t learn this, just thought I’d toss in a fact.
I can explain tech to normals. Maybe not enough to satisfy another techie, but enough for the normal to make a decision about it.
I am better at listening to the other side of an argument, and as a result I’ve learned how to get my point across better. This is a great skill to have at work in the tech field - particularly in Infosec where I am trying to make security changes I want.
Tech Support
If you call technical support at any place for any reason, ask for a “ticket number”. This way if you have to call back because the steps you were given didn’t work, you can give them a ticket number and often not have to repeat the same steps. This is the main reason I’ve stuck it out with AT&T for so long - they have a ticketing system for various subsystems that is fairly easy for someone in the same department to look things up in, and having a ticket number saves them time, helps their call stats, and makes them more willing to go the extra mile.
If you are being transferred, make sure you get a ticket number AND the number of the place you are being transferred to. Nothing like calling tech support directly, but you will need a ticket number. Make sure you save that phone number, it is typically not public.
Massive tech support issues, like “I’m calling the CEO, dammit” issues? Look up the number for something referencing the Executive Offices for that organization. This usually only works in large companies that sell goods and services to the public. Call in with all the relevant ticket info, don’t curse, don’t ramble, don’t raise your voice but be firm, and be concise in your explanation. Their job in this department is to handle extreme complaints. Just don’t call them first - call them after normal channels are exhausted.
Odd Things
Here are a few quick-fire odd things.
Are you a male, and worried about old age ball sag? Don’t wear boxers or boxer briefs. Regular briefs will keep them looking young. As a lifelong brief wearer, you can just trust me on this.
There is probably a similar argument to be made for the bra and the female breast, but as I’ve learned it is not my place as a male to speculate on something very much in the female realm, so I will abstain from a formal opinion. Bonus lesson learned, I cannot figure out a way to perform field research for this whole bra thing without law enforcement getting involved.
Speaking of law enforcement, telling the truth when pulled over can get you out of a ticket more often than not. Instead of saying “but officer, I am late and there is no sign and I was just following that other car…” try “truthfully officer, I like to drive fast and I didn’t see you soon enough to slow down”. It won’t work every time, but more often than not it will.
There is an answer to the old question of whether to wipe front to back or back to front. The short answer is wipe gently. The longer answer involves a bidet.
“I’m tired and I want to go to bed. Could you leave my house now?” This is much more effective than dropping hints to get house guests to leave. If they seem offended, explain that you felt they were some of the few friends that could actually handle direct honesty which is why you enjoy them as human beings, and that almost always smooths it over.
Trends that generate lots of resistance and angst but don’t seem to go away become normal. It doesn’t make it right (or wrong), it just is. In the tech world, this can be seen with the Cloud and even the Web - both of which were originally made fun of but are now core technology. This is why I have not dismissed things like cryptocurrency, NFTs, and Web 3.0. Sure, NFTs look like a modern equivalent those old “under construction” GIFs (figuratively and literally) from the early web days. Yes I enjoy the jokes, but I don’t dismiss the possibility that it all could become “something.”
Most People Can’t Be Arsed
One of the biggest things I’ve learned is that most people can’t be arsed. These radical and loud political sides are in fact minorities. Yes they will use stats that say “a majority believes this” or “studies prove that” but really, most people have other things they are concerned with.
A perfect example is the UFO phenomena. As predicted - or should I say when I predicted - when the whole UFO thing came out on the news as real like it did recently, most people were like “huh, well, that’s a thing I guess” and went back to worrying about their kids or if they can afford some thing or ever get out of debt or whatever. Think about it - the military put out those videos of UFOs on mainstream news, and it was no big deal. No one seemed to give a shit.
In Conclusion
Getting old is not fun, but with age does come what some might call wisdom. It does not apply to everyone, but it does apply to some (the wisdom part). But I think I can live with getting old realizing there are actual perks to the process. Am I embarrassed by my younger self? I don’t really care, in fact I really can’t be arsed.
